The day I wish I could delete

Perhaps I should have seen it coming. because what occupies your thoughts eventually crystallizes into action. spend your time thinking about fried chicken trying to convince yourself that it is fatty and you will end up eating it. spend your time thinking about soup noodles you will end up wanting that instead. spend your time thinking about not having sex and you will end up having sex. spend your time thinking about purity and its importance and you will preserve it. spend your time thinking about building a new life, you will build it. spend your time thinking about how someone is out to get you, you will become convinced that he/she is against you. spend your time thinking about not having a baby, or not getting married, you end up doing the exact thing. spend your time thinking about repairing existing relationships and you will repair it. Every action is a consequence of a long time of mental preparation.

I'm sad because a baby kills all hope that things will return to the way they should be. Not in this lifetime. I'm sad because every step you take to pursue your happiness means your relationships with your family takes another painful stab. I don't think anyone of us want anything to do with the baby. I will always think your actions are silly. And I know you will spend the rest of your life trying to prove everyone else wrong. (because if someone said the same to me, I probably will set out to prove them wrong too)

But you can't redeem broken relationships by creating new ones, hoping they will be great, hoping they will keep you happy and distract you from the broken relationships. It will stay broken. It will remain a sore point. A thing you try to bury away. Relationships don't just happen to work. They take more effort than we are probably prepared to give. Broken relationships will take even more time and effort and many personal sacrifices to repair.

We live in a broken world, already broken by all of our own selfishness and personal pursuits and desires. It breaks my heart to see people I love contributing to that brokenness.