Working more or less?

In a society where we are always told to work harder or that we just did not work hard enough, we become deceived in our assumption that if we work harder we can become whoever we want to be, regardless of whatever strengths or weaknesses we have been given. We are a society that sells the idea that we can make ourselves into whoever we want to be by sheer hard work.

Yet as I was thinking about how God tells us that He created us in our mothers wombs, He has a plan for each and every of our lives, I wonder whether the story of "My Life" is written by God or by my hard work. If it were truly written by God and I were to yield to His plans, to follow the doors that He opens and walk away from the ones He closes, perhaps my worry that "God must be mad that I'm not working hard enough" should become "God must be mad that I am working TOO hard" - so hard that I would look back on my life and give myself the credit for doing a good job, rather than giving God the praise for bringing me to where I am today.

A giant exercise of giving in
because everyone has opinions
everyone has a limit to how much they are willing to give
and it is so big a thing I can no longer be completely self reliant
because I am short on resources and just can't physically do it
and I have to ask for favors I don't know whether I can return
so I ask but try not to hope
and let things be

Nothing will go the way you planned it. But you can still enjoy yourself if you would allow yourself to.

engaged!

I want to remember this day. And I'm worried that my memory will fail me. Today I feel so loved in a foreign land, that it doesn't feel so foreign anymore. Like the first thanksgiving I had here. Like the Christmas that I spent here and that Daniel got to join in on. So loved that the whole family made it such a celebration and had everyone involved. That Oliver and Audrey dressed up and rehearsed it many times but still their stunned looks are what I remember. This dinner will probably be better than the wedding dinner because it was made by David's mom and dad. Beef, asparagus, clam chowder in sourdough bread, salad, and that awesome perfectly flaky and lightly seasoned swordfish. And all the children who were so excited and Elijah and Noah trying out Sugar Cane drink. Noah wondering whether it has happened, and then when I said yes I am going to be your aunt, he replied saying he can't wait for us to have kids haha. And all the extra desserts. And just everyone together.

The day I wish I could delete

Perhaps I should have seen it coming. because what occupies your thoughts eventually crystallizes into action. spend your time thinking about fried chicken trying to convince yourself that it is fatty and you will end up eating it. spend your time thinking about soup noodles you will end up wanting that instead. spend your time thinking about not having sex and you will end up having sex. spend your time thinking about purity and its importance and you will preserve it. spend your time thinking about building a new life, you will build it. spend your time thinking about how someone is out to get you, you will become convinced that he/she is against you. spend your time thinking about not having a baby, or not getting married, you end up doing the exact thing. spend your time thinking about repairing existing relationships and you will repair it. Every action is a consequence of a long time of mental preparation.

I'm sad because a baby kills all hope that things will return to the way they should be. Not in this lifetime. I'm sad because every step you take to pursue your happiness means your relationships with your family takes another painful stab. I don't think anyone of us want anything to do with the baby. I will always think your actions are silly. And I know you will spend the rest of your life trying to prove everyone else wrong. (because if someone said the same to me, I probably will set out to prove them wrong too)

But you can't redeem broken relationships by creating new ones, hoping they will be great, hoping they will keep you happy and distract you from the broken relationships. It will stay broken. It will remain a sore point. A thing you try to bury away. Relationships don't just happen to work. They take more effort than we are probably prepared to give. Broken relationships will take even more time and effort and many personal sacrifices to repair.

We live in a broken world, already broken by all of our own selfishness and personal pursuits and desires. It breaks my heart to see people I love contributing to that brokenness.

The masks we wear

We spend so much of our time putting on a good front. A face that says I've got everything under control, I've got everything figured out. It is almost like an armor that protects us from judging eyes, so that we will always put on the face or do the things that we know will win people's approval, whether it's boss's approval, parent's approval, in-law's approval, friend's approval. We hide away all the ugly, until maybe even we ourselves can't find it anymore, and therefore don't even know how to begin addressing it. Maybe we are so good at putting on fronts that we don't even know what our real self is really like anymore. Yet inside we all want so much to be known, to be fully known yet fully loved. But being fully known is scary, it puts us at risk of getting hurt. And the risk is pretty big, there's a pretty good chance you'll get hurt. It is just the nature of the human condition, either intentionally or accidentally. Not that it cannot be forgiven or reconciled, but it will still hurt.
So we have a choice, would you rather be known and risk getting hurt?
Or would you rather always be wearing a mask and never be known out of fear of getting hurt?

immortal souls

“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which,if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics.
There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

Marriage is about learning to do relationships right

not about lifelong happiness and fulfilment. although that does come with the former, but not on its own.

"There is no human being on earth that has the capability to bring that kind of joy into our lives, because they weren’t made to have that role in our lives. Real marriage is not about being happy and fulfilled for the rest of our lives, it’s about becoming the best that we can be from this day forward.

The un-replicated commitment and intimacy of marriage allows for lifelong growth, maturity, selflessness, forgiveness and grace as we learn to unconditionally love another flawed human being—seeing their realness and loving them anyway. Harder yet, we learn to receive that kind of love for ourselves."

Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/cultures-big-lie-about-marriage