i'm really in a rant a lot mood right now.
really wanna call ruth and talk or something but at this kind of time if i am found to be talking on the phone for like 1+ hours i will prolly be stoned by my mum.
and besides she is always busy. she prolly still is very very busy. or maybe shes at church now. or maybe shes just very tired now and prolly KO-ed. i would have died living life like her. i've said it so many times shes sick of me saying it.
maybe i'm slowly getting into my post Street blues. i expected post Street to be quite happy cos i'll be finally liberated from all admin work and shitty stuff esp arranging things or like teaching people (ye i feel very ashamed to say that i'm quite sick of teaching people, i'll prolly make a very horrible teacher). but no leh. i'm not used to not thinking about street, and i still keep thinking about street, and how we must tell the next batch not to follow in our mistakes. the first year saw so many mistakes. and quite a lot of unhappy times. each time a streeter comes to tell me about affairs in street i sometimes feel quite sad for the mistakes that's been made. and because the time has passed, there will never be time to correct it. only when next batch comes, then we try to articulate what exactly went wrong for us. but its quite hard to explain when u havent been in it before. jc life is too short to pass to experienced people.
suddenly feel like talking to crystal also, for thanking her for always being so receptive to us teaching, willing to learn, shes one of the greatest students in street. i wonder how many sreeters feel after 1 half years of being in street. really wanna read and hear their honest opinions and not just a procedural reflections thing but a spontaneous outpouring of whats inside. i hope there is things inside to pour.
ruth was just telling me the other day about how being street chair is quite a thankless job, and i just added..like a mother. u sometimes dun feel quite appreciated. (saying thank you is one thing, how much you mean it could be another, and only time tells how much it means) i think shes feelng this way for a long time now. esp since 2 months ago ba. that somehow what she wanted aways seemed to be more than people wanted to achieve and hence people stop practising before they reach her standards or stop demanding before they reach the best that they can be. sometimes she feels like shes going through a lot of trouble to put up a good show, but shes the only one doing it. and i've heard this more than once from her: "that yea we're noobs/we're doing this for charity but that should not compromise on the quality of the performance.we need to respect our audience" i couldnt agree more. the point of street is not for people to see noob dance, but to see that altho we're new, we can do great stuff. but i think one year of performance has made people lose sight of that? or that perhaps people have grown complacent. i need not illustrate this. the last perf was enough evidence.
despite working much wif a (makeshift) mirror, i have a feeling streeters dun really see themselves well enough in it, they dun see a true reflection of themselves in there, they see wat they think they see, they see wat they feel they see. i am personally guilty of that at times. i would go down turn on the music and dance. dance to steps that i know, choreo/items that i know, full energy, for like 7-10 mins, before realising how I am still greatly lacking in my performance skills and sharpness. and begin to understand why my dad went for VIBE and came back telling me "you try very hard, but you have no talent for dance" i still cant fully understand what he's saying, and i'm just gonna convince myself he's doing that becos he has another motive to get me to mug hard and spend the rest of my half year mugging and doing nothing besides mugging. wat an evil conspiracy.
i'm feeling super emo now. thinking about street generally makes me feel emo. thinking about how there wun be much dance in my life for 1+months due to my poverty is going to make me very very moody. and thinking about how the rest of this half year is pure mugging and essay writing and uni applications and exams is prolly going to make me lose my character and soul. yes i'm gonna be very very emo.
