an unlucky day

missed appointments and failed grocery shopping. and a reminder that I have yet to secure a summer attachment. I'm such a failure today..

lets hope my lack of luck will not affect the luck of the people around me

I was told I should be less apologetic, and stop feeling like I'm not doing enough. Even if I really am. So that people will not bully me. Because I'm worth more than I think. Why does this sound so familiar.. did I hear something similar at JLC..

and for some strange reason, I feel colder in the day and warmer in the night. what kind of weird creature am I.

lost the point

I feel so bad to have made you go to sleep miserably. I feel sorry to have convinced you to change the purpose of your trip. We had high expectations that time would not allow. Maybe there is a reason for all this 'so close but so far' feeling.

and now even if I wanted you to stay you couldn't.

We always make do with the little time that we have. I'm miserable too.

transition

a massive outpouring.

a year of generosity.

too much cooking.

the irony of it all

so I was having trouble getting profs to mentor me, and I had wanted to apply for summer research grants but because I couldnt get profs therefore I couldnt apply.

I cant believe now I'm helping someone else submit his (almost late) application for the grant. the one I wanted. Don't ask me how I'm going to bring myself to do it.

to eat:

Udders waffles

No 18 Zion Road Fried Kway Teow
Zion Road Riverside Food Centre

my mess

on the side of me by corrinne may

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
on the side of me

I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Blessed Charity
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
but you

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth

'Cause you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go

I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you...

Yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

a long time ago

i remember how i used to kiss my dad goodnight, even if he was in the middle of the news or some random tv show. one night he stopped me because his psoriasis was getting worse at the scalp, had spread to the back and going to go all over the body, and he was also getting some on the face and he didnt want me eating his medications.

how long will it take

for me to be happy again?

Xinzi...

sniffs,

sleeps,

works,

cooks,

stresses,

laughs,

stones,

writes,

thinks,

hugs,

wonders,

plans,

worries,

chats,

hides,

cries.

WATCH!

A nice post that almost completely exemplifies what I feel about most men

http://www.thegrrl.com/2008/08/dont-you-wish-youd-had-divorce-cake.html

is thankful

for everyone who has been lending me support, and showing me what I could do.

important messages from an important book

you won't be happy with a partner until you can be happy on your own

you cant change people

get to know someone through all the seasons before making any major decisions

dont stay with someone who doesnt care

put each other first

accept the differences, embrace what you have in common

don't belittle your partner

let not the sun go down upon your wrath

be the last to quarrel and the first to make up

never stop trying to be attractive

dont dump responsibility on your partner

listen to what they are NOT saying

most everyday arguments are about something else

you don't both have to have the same rules

give them space for themselves

keep the moral high ground

treat them the way you think is right, no matter how they treat you

find friends who love the truth

never lend money unless you're prepared to write it off

when one finger points forwards, 3 point back

know when to let go

bitterness helps no one

On this day,

On this day of your life, Xin Zi, we believe God wants you to know ... that happiness has nothing to do with pleasure.

You feel pleasure when you want something and you get it. Or when you don't want something and you remove it. Pleasure is always relative. Happiness is absolute. Happiness is the understanding and acceptance of life as it is in this very moment as completely perfect, because every creation of God is perfect. The degree to which you do not accept life in all of the Divine forms is the degree to which you suffer.

i miss..

i miss the nice random chats my little brother and i used to have

i miss minute maid lemonade and all their other juices at the vending machine in the rj canteen

i miss chilling at timbre

i miss the ice lemon tea and curry puffs we had after PE

i miss lying on my balcony watching the sky change colour at 7pm

i miss the dark skies from which if i squint hard enough i can count the stars

i miss bird watching

i miss bat spotting

i miss going out in just one layer and wearing slippers out

i miss the sound of the sea

i miss the simple life i once had.

Listening to Everything by Lifehouse for its peace.

i am not meaning to plagiarise.

i am just really in love with how kaufmann and walker writes about microbial attacks on human hosts:

"Indeed, pathogens have developed a broad arsenal of different survival strategies in the macroorganisms, which for convenience and with the risk of oversimplification can be categorized in terms of warfare. Toxin producers such as anthrax bacilli have chosen biowarfare, whereby the toxin rather than the pathogen itself attacks the human host. Other microorganisms such as influenza virus have chosen a ‘blitzkrieg’ strategy to overwhelm the host rapidly. At the other end of the spectrum, several pathogens such as Mycobacterium tuberculosis or herpes viruses have chosen trench warfare; this allows for an apparently peaceful coexistence over long periods of time, with the risk of disease activation at a later time point once the host defense line has been weakened. Others are even more malicious. HIV, for example, has chosen guerrilla warfare, undermining host defense by attacking the central regulator of the immune response — the helper T cells. Equally malignant are pathogens such as Trypanosoma cruzi that initiate a civil war in which the immune response attacks our own host cells under the false impression that it is attacking the invaders."

such a sleek analogy.

taken from Kaufmann SHE and Walker BD, Host Pathogen Interactions, (2006), Current Opinion Immunology, 18:371-373.

somehow when i click 'next blog' at the top of people's blogs, and just keep going next next next... i keep seeing blogs parents keep about pregnancy, fertility, little babies, and lots and lots of pictures of little babies..

so distracted. i must go back to smooth muscle relaxing and contracting drugs, diabetic drugs, coagulants and fibrinolytics, and fertility drugs... 1 more day! omggg >_<

i wish the sun stayed out a little longer

oh give me a home

where the buffalo roam

where the deer and the antelope play

where seldom is heard

a discouraging word

and the skies are not cloudy all day

this christmas

is soo very cold.

is a christmas I want to forget.

is the turning point that will change the rest of my life