my profs.

i keep complaining that i am having trouble having to be in the lab and revising lectures. but then there are many doctors in my lab who have to be in the lab and who have to worry about getting biopsies and who have to worry about clinic duties, and some days have to be set aside as biopsy days and some days are not lab productive cos there are clinics to go for and some days are plain tired because of long hours the day before. and then there are profs who run a lab think about experiments organise a course or a degree and prepare lectures. it must be such a tough job, maybe i should complain less when a lecture isnt as great as i had hoped, when my lecturer seems sleepy in my lecture.. and i really respect the profs who come into lecture everyday with so much energy, who will try to make things accessible for you, who will make time to talk to you to see how you are doing..

and today i was reading about innate immunity in HIV and I was feeling quite sorry for my prof. cos here was a nature paper where this other lab took a stab and it was the right stab - they looked in DCs, while my prof had looked at macrophages (since HIV can infect mp) and it was a wrong stab, sigh..

and then i remembered a talk that Paul Bieniasz gave us when I was at Rockefeller, and i remembered how he always seemed to be investigating random disjointed things about viruses, so that maybe he can make one nice finding and let the other people do the rest of the job while he moved on to something else. and i wonder if it is perhaps better to do that - where maybe the only similarity in the projects in your lab is the technique you use and have optimised, but the nature and subject of the project is quite different. because the lab i was in at Rockefeller does that too..

cereal prawns

adapted from my wok life.

in case I cant find it

marinate prawns with sesame oil and light soy sauce and pepper. in the fridge 10 mins.

cube half a red pepper, keep some of the red pepper seeds.

2 mixes: (A) oat cereals + sugar (B) mum's seasoning, bit of chili powder, bit of curry powder

1. deep fry prawns in hot oil. [with shell on, maybe try without shell but coat with egg+corn starch?] make sure oil is hot. once red on both sides, pick up and drain off oil

2. remove most of the oil, leave just a weeny bit. melt a knob of butter. add chopped garlic then red peppers then mix B. stir for a while.

3. then mix A and the previously fried prawns, stir around to help oats and prawns mix. hope it smells nice. if not enough nice smell, add more butter =D

yay delicious dinner enjoyed by myself.

random reminders

so i was watching Nickhun and Victoria buying stuff for their new house

and i remember shopping at the humongous supermarket in Cornell

and i remember that when i see something i like and think is nice but subsequently decide not to buy, he will either convince me to buy or get it for me.

凌晨两点半

如果我会开车，当心情不快时，想去一个没有人找得到的地方，我会开车到哪里去呢？

so i watch you from a distance..

and i imagine you around

and i wish i don't see you around

晚上的音乐

看沉默的电话
它什么都不说
看电视的画面
它无声的闪动
看街上的行人
跟我擦肩而过
整个世界太冷漠
我没有力气再往前走
看你紧闭的嘴唇
它什么都不说
看你飘忽的眼神
它无情的闪躲
看你和我的回忆
跟我擦肩而过
你的改变太冷漠
我没有勇气大声地说
告诉我
你不是真的离开我
你也不愿这样的夜里
把难过留给我
告诉我
你不是真的离开我
你是要惩罚我的爱让你失去自由
告诉我···

我看起来很好 不需要依靠 请别来打扰

爱在身边围绕 我接收不到

暂时不敢面对心里空虚的一角

可不可以 可不可以 可不可以 不勇敢

能不能停止对爱渴望

可不可以 痛哭一场 风雨过后 会看见曙光

This too shall pass

我坚持这希望

today's message

every relationship rests on three legs: accepting, supporting and challenging

You want your relationships to be grounded on accepting each other as you are. On supporting each other through the inevitable ups and downs. On challenging each other to become more, to grow, to flourish. Which one of these is the more difficult one for you, and how are you going to practice it in the next 24 hours?

What will I do without you?

A lot. You said. so I did.

but when bad times come around, I couldn't tell you

and when great things happen, it didnt seem that great when I could tell everyone but you

when it comes to guys

who want to be involved romantically with you, don't listen to anything they say. Just pay attention to what they do.

just a flip of the page away

it took me less than 1 minute to take down/keep away the photos so that my place can be neutral again. and I thought I had brought all the letters back to Singapore. But then I discovered one under the telephone, my itchy fingers opened it and I read it, and then the days when my room had companions came back to me. and the sunny weather reminded me of our picnic. and it hurt. just a little more

I miss you because

when you were around my pens always had refills.

Inert

As people grow up, we start to deal with things, some of which hurt us, some of which make us happy, some that deeply affect us. A lot of times the same things affect us differently

my lack of response is almost always explained as denial

the first death I had to deal with was my grandma. she was having a difficult time. when she left, all the grand children weren't there. i was 15. i remember trying to make myself cry because it seemed like it was the right thing to do. maybe all those scriptures we had to chant was good at numbifying me. i was upset, but i didn't intensely feel a sense of loss

and then I was 18 and there was a death in the next door class. a suicide. i didnt feel upset at all. maybe i was caught up with my own issues

and then a break up

and then a couple of days ago an accident. we certainly knew each other. but we weren't close. we shared lots of mutual friends. and therefore it is all over my facebook feed. and my first reaction was, things happen, a lot of the times they cant be expected. so we just move on like we have a long time more to live, whether that is really true or not, you'll only know at the turn of the next corner. no i'm not grieving, i don't think i am.

remember 500 days of summer? remember summer? maybe when you come from a dysfunctional family/live through a particularly turbulent bit of family troubles, everything feels insignificant, because it is quickly learnt that nothing is permanent, some less so than others

I really don't want to be here.

I really shouldn't have been so last minute also.

Why wouldnt the embassies be nice to me.

If I go overseas to study again, I'll make sure I'm somewhere where its sunny and warm and rarely cold. So sick of cold weather. Cold countries should be for tourism only.

greener grass

Seems like a lot of my friends in singapore left singapore this summer

everyone wants to study overseas

everyone wants to go on exchange programmes

it seems imperative that excellent students must have had overseas study experiences

for a more slack curriculum?

for a chance to travel and holiday?

for a better education?

networking?

at the end of the day (even though it is not the end yet) what have I really carried away from my overseas study experience?

i learnt how irritating electricity companies are

i learnt how cold weather can be really depressing

i learnt that nowhere else is water as dependable as in sg

i learnt to cook

i learnt that it is difficult to look after yourself, taking care of food, work and the house

do i really think i'm getting a better education here?

have i travelled enough?

if studying overseas is better then why do I find my flatmates and I dragging ourselves over from homeland? we always cant wait to go home and put off coming back to as late as possible

i'm just feeling so tired, i don't wanna get out of the house, i'm not going to the supermarket and get food, replace things that are running out in the house, my brain knows i need to go think about my project area but my body just doesn't want to work on it at all. and it's aching from oversleeping. my energy left me in may

landing on a Sunday

There are nice things about landing on a Sunday

when you're the first in the city

almost no one else is awake

those who are greet you warmly in the cool breeze

no rush in getting luggage up steps at Leicester square stn

and you get to sleep another 2 hours

before the city starts to buzz and you can start getting things done

And then there are also the not so nice things

Sunday is work late end work early day

shops open for 4-6 hours

so if your lethargy gets you out of the house at 4pm

you're probably not going to get anything done

therefore just stay in and chill

and tomorrow things will begin again

晚上的空虚用音乐来填

today's message says...

that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are

If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it.

心中是清楚的
有一天有一天都会停的
让时间说真话
虽然我也害怕
在天黑了以后
我们都不知道会不会有以后

亲爱的为什么
也许你也不懂
两个相爱的人
等对方先说找分开的理由

我好想好想飞 逃离这个疯狂世界 那么多苦那么多累 那么多莫名的泪水

恐怕飞也飞不出这疯狂世界

厌食

以前我爱吃到可以吃自助餐吃到吐也过瘾

现在总是饭没吃完，然后又容易饿，怎么好吃都不合胃口

病好以来都没有好好地吃

有时候都不懂肚子是饿，不舒服，还是要吐

还是肚子忘记怎样消化食物

这是种病状吗？

today's message says...

Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down.

I can live without

I spent an enjoyable afternoon with the choir girls chatting, wondering about how our gynae in the future might be some guy we knew in high school.. that even the old lady at the counter couldn't help but smile at us

I watched an amazing movie with my brother, pretending to be 16 year old while my brother wished he was 18 so he could watch the expendables. discovered strange $4 fries that's so filling it could be dinner

Tasted coffee from brazil and from ethiopia and for once realised that coffee have varying degrees of sourness (as well as bitterness) I seemed to always have been preoccupied with the bitterness

Met a lot of people, realised strange ways that people you know in different parts of your life come to know each other (really I think there is just one degree of separation when it comes to your peers), had awesome salmon escarole tagliatelle at oriole cafe, if only I had tummy space for sticky pudding...

such a chore

if only all i have to do to lose citizenship is to join the army

i can so imagine the lady i was speaking to rolling her eyes and getting pissed off that i had not planned this properly. i mean there are so many million things in my life that need planning who was to have thought that this required planning too!

maybe people who work in these offices are taught to tell people how the system will not work for them and not how the system could be made to work