engaged!

I want to remember this day. And I'm worried that my memory will fail me. Today I feel so loved in a foreign land, that it doesn't feel so foreign anymore. Like the first thanksgiving I had here. Like the Christmas that I spent here and that Daniel got to join in on. So loved that the whole family made it such a celebration and had everyone involved. That Oliver and Audrey dressed up and rehearsed it many times but still their stunned looks are what I remember. This dinner will probably be better than the wedding dinner because it was made by David's mom and dad. Beef, asparagus, clam chowder in sourdough bread, salad, and that awesome perfectly flaky and lightly seasoned swordfish. And all the children who were so excited and Elijah and Noah trying out Sugar Cane drink. Noah wondering whether it has happened, and then when I said yes I am going to be your aunt, he replied saying he can't wait for us to have kids haha. And all the extra desserts. And just everyone together.

The day I wish I could delete

Perhaps I should have seen it coming. because what occupies your thoughts eventually crystallizes into action. spend your time thinking about fried chicken trying to convince yourself that it is fatty and you will end up eating it. spend your time thinking about soup noodles you will end up wanting that instead. spend your time thinking about not having sex and you will end up having sex. spend your time thinking about purity and its importance and you will preserve it. spend your time thinking about building a new life, you will build it. spend your time thinking about how someone is out to get you, you will become convinced that he/she is against you. spend your time thinking about not having a baby, or not getting married, you end up doing the exact thing. spend your time thinking about repairing existing relationships and you will repair it. Every action is a consequence of a long time of mental preparation.

I'm sad because a baby kills all hope that things will return to the way they should be. Not in this lifetime. I'm sad because every step you take to pursue your happiness means your relationships with your family takes another painful stab. I don't think anyone of us want anything to do with the baby. I will always think your actions are silly. And I know you will spend the rest of your life trying to prove everyone else wrong. (because if someone said the same to me, I probably will set out to prove them wrong too)

But you can't redeem broken relationships by creating new ones, hoping they will be great, hoping they will keep you happy and distract you from the broken relationships. It will stay broken. It will remain a sore point. A thing you try to bury away. Relationships don't just happen to work. They take more effort than we are probably prepared to give. Broken relationships will take even more time and effort and many personal sacrifices to repair.

We live in a broken world, already broken by all of our own selfishness and personal pursuits and desires. It breaks my heart to see people I love contributing to that brokenness.

The masks we wear

We spend so much of our time putting on a good front. A face that says I've got everything under control, I've got everything figured out. It is almost like an armor that protects us from judging eyes, so that we will always put on the face or do the things that we know will win people's approval, whether it's boss's approval, parent's approval, in-law's approval, friend's approval. We hide away all the ugly, until maybe even we ourselves can't find it anymore, and therefore don't even know how to begin addressing it. Maybe we are so good at putting on fronts that we don't even know what our real self is really like anymore. Yet inside we all want so much to be known, to be fully known yet fully loved. But being fully known is scary, it puts us at risk of getting hurt. And the risk is pretty big, there's a pretty good chance you'll get hurt. It is just the nature of the human condition, either intentionally or accidentally. Not that it cannot be forgiven or reconciled, but it will still hurt.
So we have a choice, would you rather be known and risk getting hurt?
Or would you rather always be wearing a mask and never be known out of fear of getting hurt?

immortal souls

“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which,if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics.
There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

Marriage is about learning to do relationships right

not about lifelong happiness and fulfilment. although that does come with the former, but not on its own.

"There is no human being on earth that has the capability to bring that kind of joy into our lives, because they weren’t made to have that role in our lives. Real marriage is not about being happy and fulfilled for the rest of our lives, it’s about becoming the best that we can be from this day forward.

The un-replicated commitment and intimacy of marriage allows for lifelong growth, maturity, selflessness, forgiveness and grace as we learn to unconditionally love another flawed human being—seeing their realness and loving them anyway. Harder yet, we learn to receive that kind of love for ourselves."

Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/cultures-big-lie-about-marriage

To love and be loved

The greatest joy in life is to love and be loved. (Google cites a range of people who said this)
It's not so hard to be loved, you can do a lot of things with the sole intention of getting people to like you or winning people over: buy things for people, spend time with people, pamper people with things they like. It is probably harder to feel loved - cos that has not so much to do with other people, but more to do with how you perceive love. And it is harder to love, without wanting to "get love back", as love should be.

Dave Lomas last week spoke of how as humans we are creatures who love: we put all our hope and attention and effort (and our souls) into this one thing that we love (whether we admit that we love it or not). I was once someone who decided that people are too fickle to return my love so I won't waste time on that, instead I will put my energy and attention into things that won't disappoint me - my work my studies, things I have control over, things that will reward me for the effort I put in. We put effort into where we can get rewards back.

I'm beginning to think that you can't love well until you are no longer preoccupied with whether u are being loved. I realize we often "give love" in the hopes of getting love back, we are kind to people we want to be friends with, we make extra effort to be nice to first years to keep them in sonrise. or we "give love" to people who have given us love, this person helped me in this way, therefore I will treat him/her to that. And we are reluctant to love on people who have nothing to offer us: people who may show us their love for us in a way that we don't receive love (eg how my housemate loves to buy me little trinkets that occupy space and are not useful at all) or people who may harm us or undermine our self esteem, why should I spend time listening to my grandma when all she does is nag at me to plead with my dad and convince him to come home and say I'm fat and eating my brothers' portions. I remember a time when I considered that it is a waste of time to spend time with people who don't build you up in love. But the ways we practice "loving" makes it a cold transaction. This person is generous in time and money to me, this person encourages me, this person cares for me, so I will return the love. This person does not demonstrate to me that I am valued, so I'm going to cut this person out of my life. So often we are seeking to be loved rather than wanting to give out love.

So many times I have told people over and over, or people have told me that they hear this over and over: "God loves you", and the reply to having heard that so many times is: "yea I know that God loves me completely as I am. But I still want someone in my life!" And there will be people who will remind you, "even when you have someone in your life, you still won't feel like you have "gotten there", because there will always be a next step - to get married or to have kids or to earn a certain amount". Everything is a process, there are no criterion by which people can certify that "you have arrived". God has prepared someone for you. It is Himself. That was my CG leader's realization. Nobody else but God Himself. God has a plan for your life, a process that He already pre-determined for you to go through to grow you. The only choice that we need to take is whether to continue following Him and seeking Him or to do it our way.

In Mere Christianity CS Lewis says: “But there must be a real giving up of the self. You must throw it away ‘blindly’ so to speak. Christ will indeed give you a real personality: but you must not go to Him for the sake of that. As long as your own personality is what you are bothering about you are not going to Him at all. The very first step is to try to forget about the self altogether. Your real, new self (which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring two pence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom, Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.” 

Look for self-worth and you will not find it. Look for love and you will not find it. Instead, give love away freely, accepting God's promise that He has your eternity taken care of, that this life is but a twinkling of an eye in light of eternity. A friend used this analogy, he had such a good dinner and was so full that even though he walked past other yummy places he didn't want it because that would just make him puke. How can we be so full of God's love for us that we don't desire anyone else? (yet not going too far in the opposite direction, becoming consumed by pride that we are doing so well, just God and me, that we don't need anyone else, and cut everyone else out)

I don't think there are things you can do to get there. I don't think there is a step-by-step list of things to do to become so full of God's love for you, and so filled with joy that you don't desire anyone else. We know that we need to enjoy God's company by being in community, by praying regularly. But even then perhaps it will be a lifelong struggle, dying to that desire of having someone else or something else other than God (like maybe God was not enough?). Perhaps we could start by focusing more on how we can love people who do not love us back, focusing more on caring for people and being present for people, even people who don't have any attention or energy to spare for you or people who cannot return the favor. As far as we can do that without expecting some kind of blessing from God in return - it will come as and when He pleases, it will come when you don't expect it. Seek God's heart for the people, see how He loves people, devote yourselves to others, even at your own expense, those who are saved, those who may not yet be saved, those who many never be saved. It will be challenging, but it is always in challenges where God grows us the most.

In Mark 9, a father, wanting to save his son from seizures, pleaded with Jesus, "I believe! Help me to overcome my unbelief!". I believe that Jesus will help us to align our desires with His, if we would let Him.

Relinquish control

I can relinquish control. I can. Remember trust fall?
There's only so much I can control anyway. So set aside my own will and let God do what He will. I pray that He will prepare my heart for what is to come, and help me to have faith and to never doubt Him. I may get confused, but I should never doubt Him.

You are All Glorious

Falling in Love with God

beautiful how Matt Chandler writes his journey on The Village Church's webpage:
"in the middle of all those doubts, in the middle of all those intellectual barriers, I think Jesus just got tired of playing with me and said, “No, you’re mine.” He rescued me and captivated my heart, and I just immediately fell in love."

Hope for the day

当太阳还没升起时，
黑夜的沉默透入每一个角落
希望静悄悄地爬上树叶
滴入你的心中   一滴一滴盛满你的心房
给予你力量  面对新的一天
这就是每一天，若不经意就会错过的奇迹

Before the sun rises,
When the silence of the night permeates every nook and cranny
Hope quietly makes its way up onto the leaves of the trees
and drips into your heart
Drop by drop
filling the recesses of your heart with strength to face the new day
This is a daily miracle, one that you would miss if you hadn't paid enough attention to notice it

Who can fathom the depths of God's love for His people? Those who have returned as well as those who have not yet returned. How He yearns to be reconciled to us, yet when will we realize and deeply appreciate how much our souls really truly want to be reconnected back to Him? For He is the source of the meaning of life. God is love.

We grieve but not without hope.

Gluttony

Came across this article today - the socially acceptable sin
Truly we live in a society where having what we like and want is not difficult, and getting more and more is possible. At some point, "having more" goes from being "I would like to but would do perfectly well without" to "I have to have more!" Food is but one way that this can manifest, I could want more friends, more affirmation, more clothes, more results, more sun, more hobbies - so how much will be enough for me?

chpt7 TTTAY

The boat functions, not in the shed or boathouse with other boats, but in the water.
The boat functions in the water, but not when the water is in it.
Even so, we are human beings not human doings.

Grow

link here
Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep with me for this leg of the journey? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”
Now is your time. Become, believe, try.

so, where is home?

It is possible, I suppose, to miss home terribly, not know what home really is anymore, and refuse to go home, all at once.
I hope this NYtimes article doesnt become unavailable..

5 bible verses often misused

These are from http://www.faithstreet.com/onfaith/2014/04/01/five-bible-verses-you-need-to-stop-misusing/31534

But in sum:
Jeremiah 29:11 “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you...’”
NOT all about me. NOT about my personal fulfillment. God may need to move me somewhere difficult so I can learn what it means to show who God is in this difficult place.

Romans 8:28 “We know that all things work together for good to those who love God . . . ”
“In all things, God works for the good of those who love him.” In other words, whatever your circumstances, good or bad, God is still fighting for you.
The happy ending promised is the ULTIMATE happy ending, the renewal of ALL THINGS. To quote N.T. Wright, “The world is still groaning, and we with it; but God is with us in the groaning, and will bring it out for good.”

Luke 11:9 "Ask and it will be given to you"
It’s not, “Ask for anything you want.” It’s more like, “Ask for my kingdom, and you will have it.”

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me"
It's about contentment and hope. What Paul was saying is not so much “I can achieve anything,” but “I can endure anything” – which, in his case, included prison.

Matthew 26:11 "You will always have the poor among you"
Jesus was referencing Deut 15, where the writer says “There need be no poor people among you,” the writer insisted, “if only you fully obey.” A few lines later, he added, “There will always be poor people in the land.” This was a concession to reality, not an excuse for apathy. In fact, it was all the more reason to be openhanded with the poor.

Good teachers

In watching my pastor and my boss, I realised good teachers don't just teach what/how they have been taught, they teach what they think should be taught. *in awe*

The beautiful transformation of Christianity

I continue to be amazed at how much of a genius CS Lewis is to come up with something as beautiful as this: "And that is precisely what Christianity is about. This world is a great sculptor's shop. We are the statues and there is a rumour going round the shop that some of us are someday going to come to life."

From the teachers at my old school

I was never taught by these teachers, but what he wrote for his farewell interview is really nice. Quoting his friend, “if you leave this school with your four grade As and you don’t feel slightly fraudulent about yourself, there’s something wrong with you.”