last kiss

I do remember the swing in your step

dreams

one day we will see what used to be ours from the point of view of an outsider

why i look like i'm overworked.

I am not free on Weds and Thurs and possibly Fri evenings. Please don't plan anything on these evenings for me. I should do this somewhere where ppl actually look.

curious thing to see in Czech

search Kutna Hora in google images: chandeliers made from bones! i wonder if i would feel like the place is filled with ghosts watching..

alpha course

even if i understand and have my questions answered, will i be able to believe in it and embrace it, or will i just find myself willing to subscribe to the way of living but not the entire belief?

best piece of advice for a scientist

On this day of your life, Xin Zi, we believe God wants you to know that... when what you are doing is not working, do something else.

Anything else. You'll only get the same results if you do what you have always done.

never grow up

the kind of dad, mum, brother, sister, son, daughter, friend that you are says more about you than your work does. so why do we put so much effort into being the best in studies/work and not so much effort into trying to be a good dad/mum/brother/sister/son/daughter/friend? is it because, maybe, it is easier to be good in your work than to be a good person? or are we just not putting enough effort on the latter?

as part of a complete kitchen education, we have to learn how to cook baby food:

i really wanna try those baby food that come in little glass bottles with a small baby's face on the outside. i told my mum once when we were at NTUC, she said, i thought you would have been awfully sick of it given how much of that i had given you when you were a baby. lol

no time

by the time i'm done with lab work, cooked, cleaned, showered, i'm too tired to study. this sucks.

out-of-place

like a red english telephone booth in the middle of a shopping mall in johor

i realise that i had forgotten how irritating london rain is

i am unable to get used to waking up in dark red skies instead of blindingly bright white skies

i still find it awkward to leave school at 5pm because i feel like i'm going home at 9pm

at 4pm i look out the window and think it must be 730pm

my jacket feels like it is too short, or i must have grown taller..

那年夏天我和你躲在那一大片宁静的海

在一个偏僻的石头上，在他们开发那个地方之前

在一个炎热的下午，在树阴下

走过了几个充满岩石的山丘，那灰色拥挤的沙滩，和出乎意料地冰冷的海水

在地的最南方，在白色的沙滩上，那片海闪亮着

my turn

10 hours..ish..

argh

i've just wasted 2 hours of me and my mum's sleep time.

revelation

the world was a beautiful place

until humans came along

some continue to make it an ugly one

while others attempt to make it better

Crackers 5 days too late and a day too early

My christmas crackers must have been delayed by the terrible snowstorms in Europe. The original plan was to stick it on/below the christmas tree that my aunt always used to put up and get the kids to pick one out for themselves, crack them, and exchange the gifts in them. But it didn't come in time, and there was no christmas tree, and I was pretty much voiceless on Christmas Day.

It came in the mail 2 days ago, all deformed but not broken. My brothers, my mum and I all had our go at attempting to open the crackers so they will crack properly. And figuring out what was the sense in the riddles found in each cracker. There were those that said, Q: What do you call an underground train full of professors? A: A tube of smarties. or Q: What do you call someone who makes clothes for rabbits? A: Hairdresser (Hare-dresser). and we couldn't figure out what was so funny/smart about "what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? a stick." and couldn't understand "what do you give someone who has everything? antibiotics." and there were little games that came in the crackers, and a magic trick I couldn't figure out how to perform. It was a nice afternoon nonetheless, so thanks lw for that =)

Last night was probably one of the quietest countdowns I've ever had. We didn't miss out on the countdown purely because we could hear the countdowns from other parties upstairs/downstairs. We make such a big fuss about a day that doesn't change anything, just a closing, and a time when we come up with new year resolutions, or hope for a better year. Because a year is never good enough.

Today I am reminded, by its faint echoes, of the bell that tolls on the 1st of every month.

brainwashed

they couldnt recover my C drive
would cost at least 1000 bucks to recover it
that's 7 years of my life.

23/01/11 on hindsight, maybe thats a good thing. it just might help with the forgetting

Christmas

The sun in London is brilliant, the sun in sg is overbearing
The grey skies in London are dreary, the lightning in sg is spectacular
tonight's the perfect day for wellies..

I'm feeling uninspired, guilty and sick.
What a terrible combination.

Late nights and early mornings make me tired at all the wrong times
When I had alcohol-free grape juice after dinner today, it felt so refreshing.
I'm sorry, commensal bacteria, for stressing you out. I promise I will be nicer to you from now on. Please get back into the right balance and get rid of the strep pyogenes now.

no time..

clubbing is absolutely decadent.
luckily i did it while i was still jet lagged.
luckily i dun need to sing today.

i'm not a dancer

all my life i've been doing my rendition of dances in front of my mum, in front of my window/mirror.. attempting to look graceful, but i never got there (and never will)
the first time i injured myself when i was dancing, i stepped on my own foot and broke my front 2 teeth.
the next time i injured myself when i was dancing, i fractured my 5th metatarsal.
no i'm not a dancer.

this is so sweet

On this day of your life, Xin Zi, we believe God wants you to know ... that the way you know you have found the right one is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with the person.
Having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. - a quote by Dinah Craik

..but this doesn't mean you have to be able to live with the person right.. what if this person's the best confidante but the worst roommate..

good and evil

couple of days ago I was having dinner in a German pub with people from my lab. and we were discussing about how we try to create this black and white world for our kids, when we tell them stories where there is a good person and there is a bad person and it paints a mistaken view of the world..
I always preferred stories where one person was either good or bad. It was too complicated for someone to be both good and bad. and I don't remember being brought up only on stories where there were 1 dimensional characters. I went to watch Wicked with jr, and it was a really good show, almost Disney-esque with disney budgets and disney music. and I thought how great it would be for children to read this story.
But I still wish the world had people who were either just good or just bad. My mum finds other people blaming her for things that have happened, and she takes the blame on herself and feels horrible for it. There's been lots of criticism on my Dad too, but he seems to not bother and finds that what he is doing is justified. Maybe he has had enough of guilt. maybe he doesnt care for what others think. If my mum could be a little bit stronger, whats done cannot be undone so blaming herself for it is not going to help. You can only hope not to make the same mistake again, and if there is anything that can be done to rectify the mistake, or make things better, to do them.
I find that one mistake can leave a black mark on you for a long time, but you're going to need to do so much more to redeem yourself. I find that trying to be kind, understanding, giving, is so difficult. Sometimes it attracts a penalty on yourself to be generous to others, and then you will have to convince yourself that taking the penalty is the right thing to do.. at the end of the day, no one will notice: you just want to be able to face yourself in the mirror and be able to accept yourself for the way you are..

i want

to become a tiny ball,

and bounce/roll/spin into a lost corner

and hide from the world

until dust gathers

kid

so i was walking from trafalgar square towards chinatown to get groceries

and i saw a bundled up little girl walking between her parents.

1.2.3 Weeee

i turned around to see her in the air hanging from her arms, pink head thrown back in a big laugh

how fun

my profs.

i keep complaining that i am having trouble having to be in the lab and revising lectures. but then there are many doctors in my lab who have to be in the lab and who have to worry about getting biopsies and who have to worry about clinic duties, and some days have to be set aside as biopsy days and some days are not lab productive cos there are clinics to go for and some days are plain tired because of long hours the day before. and then there are profs who run a lab think about experiments organise a course or a degree and prepare lectures. it must be such a tough job, maybe i should complain less when a lecture isnt as great as i had hoped, when my lecturer seems sleepy in my lecture.. and i really respect the profs who come into lecture everyday with so much energy, who will try to make things accessible for you, who will make time to talk to you to see how you are doing..

and today i was reading about innate immunity in HIV and I was feeling quite sorry for my prof. cos here was a nature paper where this other lab took a stab and it was the right stab - they looked in DCs, while my prof had looked at macrophages (since HIV can infect mp) and it was a wrong stab, sigh..

and then i remembered a talk that Paul Bieniasz gave us when I was at Rockefeller, and i remembered how he always seemed to be investigating random disjointed things about viruses, so that maybe he can make one nice finding and let the other people do the rest of the job while he moved on to something else. and i wonder if it is perhaps better to do that - where maybe the only similarity in the projects in your lab is the technique you use and have optimised, but the nature and subject of the project is quite different. because the lab i was in at Rockefeller does that too..

cereal prawns

adapted from my wok life.

in case I cant find it

marinate prawns with sesame oil and light soy sauce and pepper. in the fridge 10 mins.

cube half a red pepper, keep some of the red pepper seeds.

2 mixes: (A) oat cereals + sugar (B) mum's seasoning, bit of chili powder, bit of curry powder

1. deep fry prawns in hot oil. [with shell on, maybe try without shell but coat with egg+corn starch?] make sure oil is hot. once red on both sides, pick up and drain off oil

2. remove most of the oil, leave just a weeny bit. melt a knob of butter. add chopped garlic then red peppers then mix B. stir for a while.

3. then mix A and the previously fried prawns, stir around to help oats and prawns mix. hope it smells nice. if not enough nice smell, add more butter =D

yay delicious dinner enjoyed by myself.

random reminders

so i was watching Nickhun and Victoria buying stuff for their new house

and i remember shopping at the humongous supermarket in Cornell

and i remember that when i see something i like and think is nice but subsequently decide not to buy, he will either convince me to buy or get it for me.

凌晨两点半

如果我会开车，当心情不快时，想去一个没有人找得到的地方，我会开车到哪里去呢？

so i watch you from a distance..

and i imagine you around

and i wish i don't see you around

晚上的音乐

看沉默的电话
它什么都不说
看电视的画面
它无声的闪动
看街上的行人
跟我擦肩而过
整个世界太冷漠
我没有力气再往前走
看你紧闭的嘴唇
它什么都不说
看你飘忽的眼神
它无情的闪躲
看你和我的回忆
跟我擦肩而过
你的改变太冷漠
我没有勇气大声地说
告诉我
你不是真的离开我
你也不愿这样的夜里
把难过留给我
告诉我
你不是真的离开我
你是要惩罚我的爱让你失去自由
告诉我···

我看起来很好 不需要依靠 请别来打扰

爱在身边围绕 我接收不到

暂时不敢面对心里空虚的一角

可不可以 可不可以 可不可以 不勇敢

能不能停止对爱渴望

可不可以 痛哭一场 风雨过后 会看见曙光

This too shall pass

我坚持这希望

today's message

every relationship rests on three legs: accepting, supporting and challenging

You want your relationships to be grounded on accepting each other as you are. On supporting each other through the inevitable ups and downs. On challenging each other to become more, to grow, to flourish. Which one of these is the more difficult one for you, and how are you going to practice it in the next 24 hours?

What will I do without you?

A lot. You said. so I did.

but when bad times come around, I couldn't tell you

and when great things happen, it didnt seem that great when I could tell everyone but you

when it comes to guys

who want to be involved romantically with you, don't listen to anything they say. Just pay attention to what they do.

just a flip of the page away

it took me less than 1 minute to take down/keep away the photos so that my place can be neutral again. and I thought I had brought all the letters back to Singapore. But then I discovered one under the telephone, my itchy fingers opened it and I read it, and then the days when my room had companions came back to me. and the sunny weather reminded me of our picnic. and it hurt. just a little more

I miss you because

when you were around my pens always had refills.

Inert

As people grow up, we start to deal with things, some of which hurt us, some of which make us happy, some that deeply affect us. A lot of times the same things affect us differently

my lack of response is almost always explained as denial

the first death I had to deal with was my grandma. she was having a difficult time. when she left, all the grand children weren't there. i was 15. i remember trying to make myself cry because it seemed like it was the right thing to do. maybe all those scriptures we had to chant was good at numbifying me. i was upset, but i didn't intensely feel a sense of loss

and then I was 18 and there was a death in the next door class. a suicide. i didnt feel upset at all. maybe i was caught up with my own issues

and then a break up

and then a couple of days ago an accident. we certainly knew each other. but we weren't close. we shared lots of mutual friends. and therefore it is all over my facebook feed. and my first reaction was, things happen, a lot of the times they cant be expected. so we just move on like we have a long time more to live, whether that is really true or not, you'll only know at the turn of the next corner. no i'm not grieving, i don't think i am.

remember 500 days of summer? remember summer? maybe when you come from a dysfunctional family/live through a particularly turbulent bit of family troubles, everything feels insignificant, because it is quickly learnt that nothing is permanent, some less so than others

I really don't want to be here.

I really shouldn't have been so last minute also.

Why wouldnt the embassies be nice to me.

If I go overseas to study again, I'll make sure I'm somewhere where its sunny and warm and rarely cold. So sick of cold weather. Cold countries should be for tourism only.

greener grass

Seems like a lot of my friends in singapore left singapore this summer

everyone wants to study overseas

everyone wants to go on exchange programmes

it seems imperative that excellent students must have had overseas study experiences

for a more slack curriculum?

for a chance to travel and holiday?

for a better education?

networking?

at the end of the day (even though it is not the end yet) what have I really carried away from my overseas study experience?

i learnt how irritating electricity companies are

i learnt how cold weather can be really depressing

i learnt that nowhere else is water as dependable as in sg

i learnt to cook

i learnt that it is difficult to look after yourself, taking care of food, work and the house

do i really think i'm getting a better education here?

have i travelled enough?

if studying overseas is better then why do I find my flatmates and I dragging ourselves over from homeland? we always cant wait to go home and put off coming back to as late as possible

i'm just feeling so tired, i don't wanna get out of the house, i'm not going to the supermarket and get food, replace things that are running out in the house, my brain knows i need to go think about my project area but my body just doesn't want to work on it at all. and it's aching from oversleeping. my energy left me in may

landing on a Sunday

There are nice things about landing on a Sunday

when you're the first in the city

almost no one else is awake

those who are greet you warmly in the cool breeze

no rush in getting luggage up steps at Leicester square stn

and you get to sleep another 2 hours

before the city starts to buzz and you can start getting things done

And then there are also the not so nice things

Sunday is work late end work early day

shops open for 4-6 hours

so if your lethargy gets you out of the house at 4pm

you're probably not going to get anything done

therefore just stay in and chill

and tomorrow things will begin again

晚上的空虚用音乐来填

today's message says...

that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are

If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it.

心中是清楚的
有一天有一天都会停的
让时间说真话
虽然我也害怕
在天黑了以后
我们都不知道会不会有以后

亲爱的为什么
也许你也不懂
两个相爱的人
等对方先说找分开的理由

我好想好想飞 逃离这个疯狂世界 那么多苦那么多累 那么多莫名的泪水

恐怕飞也飞不出这疯狂世界

厌食

以前我爱吃到可以吃自助餐吃到吐也过瘾

现在总是饭没吃完，然后又容易饿，怎么好吃都不合胃口

病好以来都没有好好地吃

有时候都不懂肚子是饿，不舒服，还是要吐

还是肚子忘记怎样消化食物

这是种病状吗？

today's message says...

Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down.

I can live without

I spent an enjoyable afternoon with the choir girls chatting, wondering about how our gynae in the future might be some guy we knew in high school.. that even the old lady at the counter couldn't help but smile at us

I watched an amazing movie with my brother, pretending to be 16 year old while my brother wished he was 18 so he could watch the expendables. discovered strange $4 fries that's so filling it could be dinner

Tasted coffee from brazil and from ethiopia and for once realised that coffee have varying degrees of sourness (as well as bitterness) I seemed to always have been preoccupied with the bitterness

Met a lot of people, realised strange ways that people you know in different parts of your life come to know each other (really I think there is just one degree of separation when it comes to your peers), had awesome salmon escarole tagliatelle at oriole cafe, if only I had tummy space for sticky pudding...

such a chore

if only all i have to do to lose citizenship is to join the army

i can so imagine the lady i was speaking to rolling her eyes and getting pissed off that i had not planned this properly. i mean there are so many million things in my life that need planning who was to have thought that this required planning too!

maybe people who work in these offices are taught to tell people how the system will not work for them and not how the system could be made to work

everybody is upset

one is having a stomach upset, finding everything inadequate, moaning about aches and work

one is trying to stay calm while trying to do a million things at a time despite being very tired

one is away

one is sleeping and too tired to help himself

and I am watching and trying to help but providing no help

seems like it is wired into our heads that the first thing we all want to do is to tell others what to do without first understanding why others don't want to do it that way

my mum has mastered the skill of driving despite having her eyes clouded by tears or brain tired from managing

all seem to be in precarious positions, but I don't know what to do to pull them back

of everyone I seem the most relaxed, a number of things to do that I haven't quite gotten down to doing because there seems to be still time.. plans that I think will likely be drastically changed when the times comes. passing time doing everything non-constructive.

when we all try to manage, we opt for just the liveable, happiness is out of the picture.

how did we get here? maybe that question is no longer relevant.

army

either my brother isn't making his situation urgent/serious enough or the army is trying to make my brother a cripple. who will pay if and when that happens?

a tourist in a changing home

a skyline is beautiful not really because it is beautiful in itself, but because it is familiar, a place you once loved

when it has changed, it will make you feel like you're a tourist

until you see it frequently enough to associate it with familiar things

the first time

i actually feel nearly intoxicated

i feel like i know exactly how she had felt.. because for the past day i've been daring myself to do exactly what she did. i didn't do it.. i wonder if i would've regretted if i did

was going to take a panadol, and realised that alcohol and panadol can't go together, especially when i don't know the dose of alcohol i took.

so i have stayed away for a long time and will be away still for a longer time. and i had wanted something to stay constant, just so that when i return something will stay familiar. but nothing will stay the same. and maybe at the end of it all, home will become another environment that i will have to adapt to, a new place like those that i've moved to and moved from over these years (and the years that will come)

熟悉的人，熟悉的环境，过了多久时间才会变成完全陌生...

sometimes i wish i have just one 'home', and the rest of the world can just be holiday/vacation/getaway spots

I want you to know

you couldn't have loved me better..

even I didnt recognise it. it was just PMS.

today's message says...

My soul needs nourishment and really wants the freedom to sing and dance and love.

I think I've had enough of this city. Even though there are still many things I haven't done here, maybe I'm just really tired from the things I'm doing here. It is not over yet though, there's still this final week of experiments and poster preparation. And there are thank you notes to be written.

Staying in the US is unhealthy. I eat too much take out food that costs at least $5 usually up to $7. Instead of having cookies I have pretzels and cereal. I don't walk enough (although this is most probably due to the weather) and I think what bothers me most is that it really burns a hole in my pocket.

I wish I could enjoy what I'm doing more.

you are awesome

i just want u to know that no matter what happens

dun forget life has miracles

we are a miracle

and dun waste ur effort in self-pity or worry

just focus every ounce u have

every laksa-induced calorie

into doing any experiments well

and doing them to the best

u are only as lousy as u think u are

I should just go home now

There's no way I can finish the project anyway. So I should just go home now. Working hard doesn't seem to help me get results so I should just slack.

japanese eating in america

So I was in charge of catering food for today's journal club. And I got japanese food. We had a pretty tight budget, so I got about 206 sushi for 26 people, and ordered some more beef negimaki and gyozas and vege tempura. So the sides were very well received. They were familiar food.

somehow sushi was not so familiar. Everyone seemed very concerned about what they were eating. In particular, there was a lot of the fish sushis left behind, you know those with a slice of tuna/salmon/yellowtail/whitefish on top of a clump of rice? And I thought those were the ones that most people will clamour for. Turns out people here have a certain repulsion against raw fish. but what is japanese food without fish! the fish was delicious, I had an amazing meal. There were quite a lot of peanut avocado rolls left also which were ingenious inventions. There were a couple of the Jack Roll, which has shrimp in mayo caviar, and Philly roll - smoked salmon with cream cheese and cucumber, left and those 2 were my predicted favourites cos I thought those probably suited the American taste buds more. And the vege sushis - mango avocado and cucumber; asparagus avocado and cucumber - those were very well received. it was very strange.

If I were better advised, I would have gotten double the amount of sides and half the amount of sushi.

movies

i want to watch when i get back.. i hope its showing at home

charlie st cloud

eat pray love

inception

bounty hunter

my dad

is amazing at his work

but i've never experienced that side of him before.

somebody stole my ice cream

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/09/10/fashion/10love.html?ref=modernlove

read at the wrong time

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/04/fashion/04love.html?ref=modernlove

in a new place

i hate how i look like my dad. esp when i'm uploading photos.

from today onwards

let things go a little more slow motion... I'd like everyday to drag on a little more. because i know the next 3 weeks will fly by before I know it

Summer Rain

It's pouring. the rare kind of pouring in london. the kind that makes enough noise to give you some peace. but then the clouds will hide the moon that shines on me..

smells nice after the rain

and yesterday's pretty awesome lunch =)

I see the moon and the moon sees me...

There is a certain sense of comfort in seeing that the moon I see shining over me is exactly the same as the one I see shining over me in Singapore.

whoever it is that is governing the things going on in this world, he hates me.

i must mug

after 1 hour of very lousy bejeweled playing.

Further infection by TB is curbed by a CMI response. sounds so CMI to me. =S

a little pharmacology

my heart needs increased parasympathetic inhibition

my nucleus accumbens needs to increase dopamine signalling

i need to be less stupid

another week has passed

I eat my cookies and walk all over the place, dropping crumbs as I walk.

Luckily I don't have ants here. yet.

Napped too long.

I woke up after way too much sleep for a nap, because I dreamt

I dreamt of my mum, I saw her face flat and puffy like dough, blotches that suddenly became so much more visible, cheeks sagging to her knees, and all those puffiness obscuring her features, just like how it was when she came.

I dreamt of my grandma, her quiet caring nature, she was healthy looking, not scrawny tired and hungry like she was when she left me, she had the face I remembered from my childhood days.

I dreamt of my grandpa, he was sickly and tired, and was leaning against rails while sitting, he was skinnier than I had ever remembered.

It was a nightmare.

marathon!

my duckduck finished her marathon! far from winning, but i still think my duckduck is more successful that i am.

是否一样

都带着昨天的伤试图想要遗忘

take care

take care of my summer

take care of my mum

take care of my work

take care of my friends

an unlucky day

missed appointments and failed grocery shopping. and a reminder that I have yet to secure a summer attachment. I'm such a failure today..

lets hope my lack of luck will not affect the luck of the people around me

I was told I should be less apologetic, and stop feeling like I'm not doing enough. Even if I really am. So that people will not bully me. Because I'm worth more than I think. Why does this sound so familiar.. did I hear something similar at JLC..

and for some strange reason, I feel colder in the day and warmer in the night. what kind of weird creature am I.

lost the point

I feel so bad to have made you go to sleep miserably. I feel sorry to have convinced you to change the purpose of your trip. We had high expectations that time would not allow. Maybe there is a reason for all this 'so close but so far' feeling.

and now even if I wanted you to stay you couldn't.

We always make do with the little time that we have. I'm miserable too.

transition

a massive outpouring.

a year of generosity.

too much cooking.

the irony of it all

so I was having trouble getting profs to mentor me, and I had wanted to apply for summer research grants but because I couldnt get profs therefore I couldnt apply.

I cant believe now I'm helping someone else submit his (almost late) application for the grant. the one I wanted. Don't ask me how I'm going to bring myself to do it.

to eat:

Udders waffles

No 18 Zion Road Fried Kway Teow
Zion Road Riverside Food Centre

my mess

on the side of me by corrinne may

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
on the side of me

I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Blessed Charity
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
but you

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth

'Cause you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go

I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you...

Yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

a long time ago

i remember how i used to kiss my dad goodnight, even if he was in the middle of the news or some random tv show. one night he stopped me because his psoriasis was getting worse at the scalp, had spread to the back and going to go all over the body, and he was also getting some on the face and he didnt want me eating his medications.

how long will it take

for me to be happy again?

Xinzi...

sniffs,

sleeps,

works,

cooks,

stresses,

laughs,

stones,

writes,

thinks,

hugs,

wonders,

plans,

worries,

chats,

hides,

cries.

WATCH!

A nice post that almost completely exemplifies what I feel about most men

http://www.thegrrl.com/2008/08/dont-you-wish-youd-had-divorce-cake.html

is thankful

for everyone who has been lending me support, and showing me what I could do.

important messages from an important book

you won't be happy with a partner until you can be happy on your own

you cant change people

get to know someone through all the seasons before making any major decisions

dont stay with someone who doesnt care

put each other first

accept the differences, embrace what you have in common

don't belittle your partner

let not the sun go down upon your wrath

be the last to quarrel and the first to make up

never stop trying to be attractive

dont dump responsibility on your partner

listen to what they are NOT saying

most everyday arguments are about something else

you don't both have to have the same rules

give them space for themselves

keep the moral high ground

treat them the way you think is right, no matter how they treat you

find friends who love the truth

never lend money unless you're prepared to write it off

when one finger points forwards, 3 point back

know when to let go

bitterness helps no one

On this day,

On this day of your life, Xin Zi, we believe God wants you to know ... that happiness has nothing to do with pleasure.

You feel pleasure when you want something and you get it. Or when you don't want something and you remove it. Pleasure is always relative. Happiness is absolute. Happiness is the understanding and acceptance of life as it is in this very moment as completely perfect, because every creation of God is perfect. The degree to which you do not accept life in all of the Divine forms is the degree to which you suffer.

i miss..

i miss the nice random chats my little brother and i used to have

i miss minute maid lemonade and all their other juices at the vending machine in the rj canteen

i miss chilling at timbre

i miss the ice lemon tea and curry puffs we had after PE

i miss lying on my balcony watching the sky change colour at 7pm

i miss the dark skies from which if i squint hard enough i can count the stars

i miss bird watching

i miss bat spotting

i miss going out in just one layer and wearing slippers out

i miss the sound of the sea

i miss the simple life i once had.

Listening to Everything by Lifehouse for its peace.

i am not meaning to plagiarise.

i am just really in love with how kaufmann and walker writes about microbial attacks on human hosts:

"Indeed, pathogens have developed a broad arsenal of different survival strategies in the macroorganisms, which for convenience and with the risk of oversimplification can be categorized in terms of warfare. Toxin producers such as anthrax bacilli have chosen biowarfare, whereby the toxin rather than the pathogen itself attacks the human host. Other microorganisms such as influenza virus have chosen a ‘blitzkrieg’ strategy to overwhelm the host rapidly. At the other end of the spectrum, several pathogens such as Mycobacterium tuberculosis or herpes viruses have chosen trench warfare; this allows for an apparently peaceful coexistence over long periods of time, with the risk of disease activation at a later time point once the host defense line has been weakened. Others are even more malicious. HIV, for example, has chosen guerrilla warfare, undermining host defense by attacking the central regulator of the immune response — the helper T cells. Equally malignant are pathogens such as Trypanosoma cruzi that initiate a civil war in which the immune response attacks our own host cells under the false impression that it is attacking the invaders."

such a sleek analogy.

taken from Kaufmann SHE and Walker BD, Host Pathogen Interactions, (2006), Current Opinion Immunology, 18:371-373.

somehow when i click 'next blog' at the top of people's blogs, and just keep going next next next... i keep seeing blogs parents keep about pregnancy, fertility, little babies, and lots and lots of pictures of little babies..

so distracted. i must go back to smooth muscle relaxing and contracting drugs, diabetic drugs, coagulants and fibrinolytics, and fertility drugs... 1 more day! omggg >_<

i wish the sun stayed out a little longer

oh give me a home

where the buffalo roam

where the deer and the antelope play

where seldom is heard

a discouraging word

and the skies are not cloudy all day

this christmas

is soo very cold.

is a christmas I want to forget.

is the turning point that will change the rest of my life

i know i've eaten a lot...but..

pants used to be worn on the waist. and the sizes used to be 27, 28, 29, 30....nowadays it is worn on the hip.. i'm sure designers know whether the pants they made are to be worn on the waist or on the hip..and the sizes haven't changed. but do the sizes now refer to dimensions of the waist or dimensions of the hip? cos if the same dimensions refer to that of the hip, i doubt anyone fits in the S sizes, and people with asses cant fit into XL sizes. a size 29 from IP zone is loose on my hips and might require a belt, but a size 29 from a pasar malam feels like tights. one is 3+ inches smaller than the other! i shall have to bring soft rulers with me when i go shopping next time..

Spot the Bird!!

Unfortunately I can't provide the answer to this one. u either see it or you don't. but heres a link that could teach you to see it: http://www.netaxs.com/~mhmyers/seeum.html

food galore...

4aug dim sum at Red Star restaurant Chin Swee Road, with lab peoples. good stuff. just unfortunate that they didnt have charsiew cheong fun

7aug karaoke night at NTU alumni at Biopolis. followed by a delicious dinner at 9pm. stingray buffet, yam basket, coffee pork ribs, etc. great food great company

8aug beginning of movie week: Role Models, Slumdog Millionaire, Benjamin Button, Marley and me and Revolutionary Road. we had a good meal at haato too. i liked the curry katsu, the unagi pasta is still as great, my brother loved the mud pie, and the other had a waffle with cookies and cream, but the best ice creams were mine, yuzu sorbet, rock melon and green tea with red bean. we also got the sweet potato one but it wasnt that tasty

9aug national day at grampa's place, pumpkin rice that my mum cooked, and saying the pledge together at the pledge moment, recalling the chinese pledge

10aug discovering PRAWN TOAST yummmm

11aug found out that rum goes well with pepsi and lime

13aug getting reminded of dark times

14aug died trying to weave my way through orchard and squeeze onto a bus home

15aug the epic food trail: kaya toast, ondeh ondeh, goreng pisang, crayfish ipoh hor fun, barley beancurd with ginko, charsiew and prawn cheong fun (they also have mushroom and chicken and scallops O_O), sg day rojak with the perfect mix of sweet sour and spicy, curry puff with extraodinary stuffings like yam, rochor beancurd house, sold out satay, popiah oyster omelette hokkien mee fried kway teow at newton; along the way discovering new (actually old) and cheap places to shop!

dedicated to happy days =)

jun13 Comms parade

met people i didnt expect to meet, died in the heat and enjoyed sitting at the spectators seats in pitch black with his sisters listening to music. probably the last time i looked a least bit slender haha

jun15 or 16.. Seoul garden with sisters!

ate soooo much..and we all came out complaining how we stank of seoul garden. saw iluma and tried some coolio green tea yoghurt or something similar they were giving out in front of iluma.

jun18 cast =_=

got casted after a fall the previous day

jun20 felt so liberated to be at suntec city walking with a cast an umbrella plastic over it and crutches haha..

jun26 cast removed! YES!

jun28 comms ball at St Regis

yay i have one nice picture for good memories of good food, painted mirrors and aching feet. and a very nice uncle who sent me home =)

jul3 monkeying around at holland v with all the sisters! lol

jul4 be the first to see the ndp parade and concert! and the first few to get the funpack! haha i feel so happy that i swapped mine with someone so i got my colour!

jul10 birthday buffet!

Ellenborough Market at Merchant Court Swissotel. CRABBY buffet on a seat facing Clarke quay. pretty pretty place..but i was too busy eating and the camera just did not agree with my crab filled fingers haha i remember someone gulping down oysters like there was no tomorrow (and ended up feeling shitty the next day), i remember a durian mousse which cannot be described for fear that no one will eat it. i remember yam ice cream, and so many other desserts. i remember staying away from risotto. i remember the delicious and huge chili crab which was the best lol

jul11 the only saturday where gerald had excuse from ndp rehearsal

i remember an illegal dinner haha which was meant to be quick cos we wanted to go see the night festival. we took advantage of the free entry to national museum which incidentally i've never stepped in before. and quite cool. old shutters, glass display, love not war cannons, and a rather eerie wayang and movies exhibit. and it poured and poured and we decided the pyrotechnics were too late and probably werent going to happen in this rain, and it took a long time for us both tired people to go home.

jul12 ice age dawn of the dinosaurs with 2 little dinosaurs haha! after which we entertained them at the library, with bubble tea, and eventually at gerald's house. how fun! dinner for gerald's mum's bday at a restaurant at a void deck which didnt have the a la carte buffet that we were hoping it had, but was a good meal nonetheless.

jul13 strudel house!

jul14 the bday no-surprise cake for gerald's mum.

from the place with a name that is difficult to remember. Rive Gauche. Orange cake. pretty cool.

jul16 Thai express dinner and swensens dessert with the girls that i've known for ages.

jul17 food fair at isetan and taka, harry potter and a surprise bday party

jul18 a cloudy day at Sentosa which almost didnt end up at Sentosa. sigh why no sun???

jul19 a nice gathering of 3 people. chatting randomly and enjoying wearing skirts.. plus ice cream at island creamery! =D=D

jul23 sick =S then later migraine. =S

jul29 kuishin bo buffet where i got so stuffed i had to regulate breathing to prevent puking haha.. first time i see marina barrage also. was so sunny and nice! then off to labrador park for fishing! and then dinner with choir girls =)

jul30 the grossest day of animal training.

aug1 first time eating at new york new york and getting a birthday discount although it was supposedly invalid. plus bday present! that big cute bowl-cup. also the day i realised i could borrow from esplanade library and borrow 200 music sheets in 2 books! suddenly feel like i'm productive!

aug2 NAC Exxonmobil Concert in the Park

picnic with sweet sweet peaches, kaya toast and ham sandwiches. plus budak pantai! haha i love the pedra blanca song hehehe =P and the cutest most balloon pooh bear!

if i had to go back tomorrow,

i shall be very very reluctant.

Summer

summer is a good time. it is the excuse for frens to meet up. old frens from no matter how long ago. For if there is no summer holiday and everyone is boringly in singapore all the time, then there will be no special reason to meet up. somehow there must (almost) always be a reason before one can be encouraged to attend a meet up. i wonder how long it'll take for us to get bored of chatting about the past.. maybe never..

有时候逃避是唯一的解决方式

我回来，因为不想再感受在别处的一些沉重
原来家里也沉重

still in hibernation. will be back soon.. another 8 weeks.

holidayyy

yayy
my last 3 days has been so great =D
day before yesterday was christmas eve. was supposed to go carolling for CCF at KKH but turned out the Straits Times anyhow say, cannot want to go and sing then just go. then end up we go there already but were told that cannot join them. so become girls morning out. and very early morning indeed. met up with xiumin and yilun and we went from KKH to Novena and then to Orchard where xiumz and i got yilun famous amos to help her feel better after an awfully screwed up morning. shopped around chatted a bit, we lingered at Topshop for a while to try random clothes, while i got more excited by the extremely tall shoes - stilletto heels plus platformed fronts. hehehe explored the rest of isetan, went to zara walk walk yadayada. Xiumz and I had a good lunch at far east plaza, and wanted to get minute maid limeade but found the price had risen from $1.30 to $2.30 =( time passed quickly and I soon left for home.

lingered, waited, felt like maybe i should have spent the time doing a bit of my essay but i didnt know if i was going to have that much time..in the end i napped away the time until i was called to go downstairs =) got picked up to go geralds place on his way back after booking out, passed gerard his big pack of christmas presents, then to geralds house.

i was amazed by the spread of food. maybe its just because i never had a christmas dinner. turkey stuffed with rice, smoked salmon (omg it was great), ham, sausages, salad, mashed potatoes.. all we lacked was a fireplace. but in singapore so hot if got fireplace we'll all melt in heat. then dessert! really nice pineapple tarts and very good log cake. so christmassy. went over to james place and got so immersed in christmas spirit, with carolling and all. so fun =)
finally headed home to realise i forgot to buy breakfast lol

yesterday morning wake up, wash hair, had a bowl of oatmeals (which was supposed to be filling..) then left to meet up with gerald's family for christmas service. so happening everybody come. like new year like that everyone look beautiful. and i didnt feel out of place wearing my santa claus hat. (lol after coming back from london go out always feel like bringing some head gear..) everyone seem to know everyone, james' brother kept nodding off, vania made nice brownies-in-a-cup, lol and i got hungry in the middle of service hehe..

lunch was at maxwell food centre, i think i passed it so many times but never knew whats it called. and here's when i start ticking off good food that i've intended to have ever since coming back to singapore. we had what we used to call 'michael jackson' back then in the rj canteen - soya bean milk plus grass jelly. gerald got his char kway teow which i stole a bit of, and i got my fishball meepok which i've been ranting about for a while.. somehow i feel like i could get better fishball meepok at toh yi =S but its okay. nowadays good fishballs make me very happy already. we took a walk along one of the roads behind chinatown area, gerald got a really really nice egg tart from this very old stall, and we went looking for this dessert shop that has been featured in quite a few food shows. we finally found it after taking pictures with very cute forever friends bears at chinatown point. 记得吃. somehow despite its simple name i have trouble remembering it. i ordered a 鸳鸯 which has sesame paste and almond cream mixed together, and i added some 汤圆 to it. yay for 芝麻汤圆, and got 2 more 花生汤圆 for gerald. so since i ordered warm dessert, he ordered a cold one, 蛋白马蹄炖西米露 which was coolly nice =) feeling so happily full after having so much food, we walked a bit more to help digestion, and took a bus back to his place.

along the way we stopped at novena square to borrow some dvds to watch, bought breakfast at mama bakery (which according to gerald, has brilliant chocolate bread - i bought and tried, its really nice =) met up with his mum and lil sis originally intending to buy some japanese goodies, but didnt really get anything. had dinner at his house, although it was leftovers from yesterday it was still a delicious meal. [though unfortunately i'm not a fan of pumpkin soup...]

gerald and i then left to meet james and sara and we all headed to cafe del mar. very interesting concept, with daybeds and gabbanas. except those have minimum spending. if dun wanna spend too much, can choose a normal table which will be indoors, or if you want to be in the outdoors on the beach, just grab the benches =) they look like suntanning benches, really suits the beach. the music is kinda weird though (i like their website music more). we had chicken wings, which was really good on its own. and we had nachos which was a generous serving. gerald said i should try a martini so we got a lychee martini, james and sara got margerita, and we also further ordered this thingy that was very cold (lots of ice) and tasted nicely sweet: it had baileys =D it was a cooling night, with very light drizzle so we had to move in from our benches to the tables, but it was a nice stroll along the beach nonetheless.

this morning woke up at 844am, wanting more sleep, so slept a bit more until about 10.. nice cool morning. went to meet gerald and his mum at isetan scotts for the anniversary sale. i didnt know this is a yearly affair until now. spent more than i really should, and took up a lot of time. tried to find the 5 dollars huge can of popcorn at the market in the basement of paragon but i guess it got snatched up. had lunch at this place called 华艺面点小吃, where I had 酸辣汤面， geralds's mum had 榨菜鸡丝面, gerald had 牛肉面, and we also had some sides -小笼包 and 锅贴. good northern china food =) went over the geralds to watch music and lyrics, which was a nice movie. and then went for dinner at serangoon gardens. gerald calls this place one of our national treasures, and while eating here i was also wishing they could come up with a chompchomp clone in london. maybe if they did the rest of the london eateries will have such terrible business they'll close down. lol we ordered a lot of good food!! sambal stingray, satay, sambal potato leaves =D gerald was in the mood for mee goreng as well. there was so much spice we had to get 2 big drinks lol. 1 watermelon juice and 1 grass jelly. and i was sooo full after that. then they had this little corner upstairs of this row of shophouses: nice dessert place called dessert bowl: 一碗甜品, and they had brilliant desserts as well, except i have absolutely no space in my tummy for them and got more engrossed in herworld magazine and mayday concert on dvd as my brain slowly shut down. so ends my happy happy day, i see more to come! =)

Sunset at 330pm

it gets dark so early here..